Today is the 2nd day of the grand new year 2012. Yesterday was spent doing nothing. I wasn't drunk or hungover, just not motivated, which happens a lot more lately. I am thinking this lack of motivation is anxiety of the disability court date (10th) and just dealing with pain and stress continually.
Today is the 2nd day, and nothing wonderful happened. Nothing great happened. Nothing even sort of good happened. The garbage disposal broke late on the 1st and there are towels hanging everywhere, which stink to high heaven, which were used in an effort to clean up the water from the sink mess. My cat made some sort of mess on the bathroom rug which Mom found (lucky her!) and cleaned. Wizard is running out of food, and I don't have enough money to get him the food which is good for him, so Mom had to buy basically the closest thing to Ol' Roy without actually going that deep into junk parts for food. No wonder he isn't excited about eating anymore. Mom and I both ran out of phone minutes on out Virgin phones on the 28th, so no phone service at all. I couldn't get the online fax program to work, had to print out the fax and go to the office to fax it. Couldn't check my food stamp balance account online like I am registered to do, the page just kept flipping away as soon as it got to it. Just weird and idiotic stressful stuff: stuff one can really do without when I am dealing with the stuff I have on my plate already.
One can probably read this and tell me: well, at least you were able to print out the fax and had a fax machine available to send it; at least you were able to get the garbage disposal fixed today; at least you have food stamps to get food; at least your court date for disability is in sight; etc, etc, etc. All this positive talk doesn't help. Doesn't really do anything for or against me: I don't feel ungrateful and I don't feel like a grouch; I feel anxiety building, and the world exploding around me.
So, I am wondering if this is the way the rest of the year is going to be, or if this is just the storm before the calm (I think that actually is the other way around, but there is usually a calm after a storm). I don't see how we are going to be able to keep our heads above water very much longer. No jobs are coming along for Mom from AARP. If I don't get disability, I won't be able to go out and look for a job either; thus the reason for seeking disability. I am barely able to keep up with my school work, and then not even that at times. I won't be able to enter into the comps phase of my Ph.D., which is prior to the dissertation phase, until I have attended the last two colloquiums, and don't have the money anywhere for that, much less the stamina to do all the travel and sessions. So, I can't even finish my Ph.D. until I get more stamina and money. I am at a total loss as to what to do, what to plan for, and what my Plan B will be if the hearing doesn't go well on the 10th.
The last few years (well from 2007) have been a slow crawl to where I am now, and I can see the slimy gooey trail left behind me as I have traveled to here. I am wondering now what next? I don't expect things to magically get beautiful, rainbows of Skittles to appear, and flutterbys to land on my shoulders. What I do expect is some payoff for what I have done for my life. I have made life wonderful, if even for a minute or so, for others. I have minded my Karma for quite a long time, long before I embraced the actual thought. I have worked hard, and have attempted to keep a positive outlook on life. I have tried very hard to keep a positive outlook on life since 2007, but I think a lot is lost within the slime which is left by my movement.
Since 2007 I have lost my truck; lost my job and ability to be a paralegal; lost the ability to ride horses a bit before 2007; lost my independence of my apartment and lifestyle; lost a lot of my eyesight; lost the ability to cope with the pains of the diseases and have become dependendent on at least two drugs to help; and have lost the ability to even shop for myself at a store. Boo Hoo! I know, I hear you saying it! To add insult to injury though, I have had to move in with my Mom, who was no too good for her years already. She now thinks she may have cardiac issues and is scared about this, but can't get to see the specialist until she has the funds to pay the co-pay which is only about $75. She has spells where in she is crawling from the bathroom because she can't get up, and I can't lift her. She doesn't have the money to continue living in this two bedroom apartment, along with keeping her car, since she stopped working and her unemployment stopped. Mom has no life insurance, so if something happens to her, I am homeless with my crew of three. Mom has no pension or any other money coming from a husband, so she is dependent solely on Social Security, thus on the whims of our government leaders.
I have my music on my Mp3 player and my I Love Lucy DVDs, so I will loose myself in those for the time. Sleep may come, but then there is tomorrow...one day closer to the hearing...one day closer to a little relief?
Today is the 2nd day, and nothing wonderful happened. Nothing great happened. Nothing even sort of good happened. The garbage disposal broke late on the 1st and there are towels hanging everywhere, which stink to high heaven, which were used in an effort to clean up the water from the sink mess. My cat made some sort of mess on the bathroom rug which Mom found (lucky her!) and cleaned. Wizard is running out of food, and I don't have enough money to get him the food which is good for him, so Mom had to buy basically the closest thing to Ol' Roy without actually going that deep into junk parts for food. No wonder he isn't excited about eating anymore. Mom and I both ran out of phone minutes on out Virgin phones on the 28th, so no phone service at all. I couldn't get the online fax program to work, had to print out the fax and go to the office to fax it. Couldn't check my food stamp balance account online like I am registered to do, the page just kept flipping away as soon as it got to it. Just weird and idiotic stressful stuff: stuff one can really do without when I am dealing with the stuff I have on my plate already.
One can probably read this and tell me: well, at least you were able to print out the fax and had a fax machine available to send it; at least you were able to get the garbage disposal fixed today; at least you have food stamps to get food; at least your court date for disability is in sight; etc, etc, etc. All this positive talk doesn't help. Doesn't really do anything for or against me: I don't feel ungrateful and I don't feel like a grouch; I feel anxiety building, and the world exploding around me.
So, I am wondering if this is the way the rest of the year is going to be, or if this is just the storm before the calm (I think that actually is the other way around, but there is usually a calm after a storm). I don't see how we are going to be able to keep our heads above water very much longer. No jobs are coming along for Mom from AARP. If I don't get disability, I won't be able to go out and look for a job either; thus the reason for seeking disability. I am barely able to keep up with my school work, and then not even that at times. I won't be able to enter into the comps phase of my Ph.D., which is prior to the dissertation phase, until I have attended the last two colloquiums, and don't have the money anywhere for that, much less the stamina to do all the travel and sessions. So, I can't even finish my Ph.D. until I get more stamina and money. I am at a total loss as to what to do, what to plan for, and what my Plan B will be if the hearing doesn't go well on the 10th.
The last few years (well from 2007) have been a slow crawl to where I am now, and I can see the slimy gooey trail left behind me as I have traveled to here. I am wondering now what next? I don't expect things to magically get beautiful, rainbows of Skittles to appear, and flutterbys to land on my shoulders. What I do expect is some payoff for what I have done for my life. I have made life wonderful, if even for a minute or so, for others. I have minded my Karma for quite a long time, long before I embraced the actual thought. I have worked hard, and have attempted to keep a positive outlook on life. I have tried very hard to keep a positive outlook on life since 2007, but I think a lot is lost within the slime which is left by my movement.
Since 2007 I have lost my truck; lost my job and ability to be a paralegal; lost the ability to ride horses a bit before 2007; lost my independence of my apartment and lifestyle; lost a lot of my eyesight; lost the ability to cope with the pains of the diseases and have become dependendent on at least two drugs to help; and have lost the ability to even shop for myself at a store. Boo Hoo! I know, I hear you saying it! To add insult to injury though, I have had to move in with my Mom, who was no too good for her years already. She now thinks she may have cardiac issues and is scared about this, but can't get to see the specialist until she has the funds to pay the co-pay which is only about $75. She has spells where in she is crawling from the bathroom because she can't get up, and I can't lift her. She doesn't have the money to continue living in this two bedroom apartment, along with keeping her car, since she stopped working and her unemployment stopped. Mom has no life insurance, so if something happens to her, I am homeless with my crew of three. Mom has no pension or any other money coming from a husband, so she is dependent solely on Social Security, thus on the whims of our government leaders.
I have my music on my Mp3 player and my I Love Lucy DVDs, so I will loose myself in those for the time. Sleep may come, but then there is tomorrow...one day closer to the hearing...one day closer to a little relief?
